


Meeting the Muse

by tendou



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, Human Bill Cipher, because i wanted there to be fanfic of canon human bill, canon human bill, he is one sexy beast, this is complete nonsense, this is literally just ford's first meeting with bill if bill had his canon human form
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:24:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8547931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tendou/pseuds/tendou
Summary: After reading some writing in a cave out loud, Stanford Pines encounters a muse in his dreams. A very, very gross looking muse.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [In case you haven't seen it, this is Bill's human form from Alex and Dana's live stream.](http://66.media.tumblr.com/0e1b1ecf31ff36cf3d0412187240ad9b/tumblr_oggrx9d8KP1rov8uxo7_1280.jpg)

Stanford Pines was getting desperate. Day after day went by and he didn't seem to be getting any closer to the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness. What did it matter how many gnomes he encountered or ghosts disturbed his sleep, how many odd spells he learned or Leprecorns he regretted meeting? None of that mattered if he couldn't find the answers to the one burning question that had gotten stuck in his head in much the same way Ford's leg had gotten stuck in a bear trap while looking for fairies the other day: Where is the weirdness coming from?

Oh yes, he was getting desperate and desperate people do strange things. Like stumbling across a cave with a weird drawing of a vaguely triangular...something being worshipped by lots of tiny people. And discover strange writing right below this drawing, telling of a being with answers. And ignoring the warnings NOT to read the inscriptions out loud because science is just more important than common sense sometimes.

So Stanford Pines read the inscriptions before looking at the cave around him with bated breath, at the walls that looked just the same as they had a minute ago and an hour ago and maybe centuries ago. He was holding his breath waiting for nothing, he realized after about a minute. At that point he had to start breathing again because he was getting dizzy. And once you've exhaled, the tension is kind of gone so Ford didn't bother sticking around for longer than 2 minutes after that.

How disappointing. The only answer this being had given him was that to the question “does reading weird cave words out loud help you with your research?”And the answer to that was no. No, it doesn't.

Stanford Pines kept wandering around these parts, not quite ready to give up just yet. Perhaps he would find another cave. Or at the very least a never-seen-before magical creature. But once again, his efforts turned up nothing and finally he sat down beneath some trees, deciding that a nap would be just as productive as a hike at this point. Maybe letting his brain relax a bit would help it come up with something once he woke up again.

He fell asleep...and found himself in a strange place. Floating all around him were parchments with complex equations, journals he had written and ones he had yet to write, objects with an unnatural glow to them and flasks full of odd substances. Even Ford himself seemed to be floating as he wandered through a space with no floor and no walls, no up or down or order. Even with how foreign it was, he felt like he had been there a million times before.

He didn't get the chance to investigate further, as he found himself suddenly face to face with another....let's call it “human”, staring at him with a hard to decipher facial expression. He was a bit shorter than Ford, wearing a garish yellow dress shirt with horizontal and vertical black stripes on it, a black bowtie and a black top hat. However, Ford was barely able to register all of this information, as he found himself unable to avert his eyes from the man's “face”. Instead of having a neck, the guy's head just seemed to sort of melt into his body, which all in all had a strange triangle form with arms and legs way too stick-thin for his broad shape. He barely had any hair on his wrinkly head, nor did he have ears, Ford realized, and he appeared to be suffering a severe case of jaundice, judging by the yellow sclera of the one eye that wasn't clamped tightly shut. He did have beautiful eyelashes though and if Ford wasn't so busy trying not to scream he might have appreciated that.

_All right_ , he thought to himself. _You know better than to judge others for looking different from the “normal” human form, Ford. Don't judge._ He tried to keep his expression even and unimpressed and not-horrified but he could tell he wasn't very successful as his face distorted in shock.

“Woah, don't have a heart attack, you're not 92 yet!” the man exclaimed, a playful tone in his voice. And oh god, why was his voice so high. This didn't fit at all.

“Who- who are you?” he managed to say. He felt proud of himself for sounding almost normal. _Don't judge now, Ford!_ He told himself yet again.

“Name's Bill! And your name's Stanford Pines, the man who changed the world, but I'm getting ahead of ourselves!” the COMPLETELY-NORMAL-NOT-FREAKISH-HUMAN-GET-A-GRIP-STANFORD exclaimed cheerfully. At least Ford thought he was cheeful. Bill's expression was sort of stuck on a wide gaping maw and a wink with no sincere heart or soul in it. He thought. Honestly who even knew. And how did he manage to get his teeth to look that way?

Ford couldn't help shuddering as he listened to Bill talk. Something about hearing him say his name made him want to take a shower. But wait, that didn't make any sense. Just because Bill looked weird didn't mean he was a bad guy. He had been perfectly polite so far, just introducing himself, inexplicably knowing Ford's name, normal stuff.

Ford felt like the universe was testing him. He clenched his six-fingered hands and tried to force a smile.

“Let's relax!” Bill said and Ford tried really hard to find the idea of relaxing with Bill appealing. He should probably be focusing on the bigger questions here, like where he was and how Bill had gotten there. The scientist in him certainly demanded it. But he simply couldn't.

“Care for a game of interdimensional chess?” Bill asked, just as a glowing chessboard appeared in the space between them. Ford briefly regarded the board as he sat down on some chair that floated up behind him, then his new acquaintance spoke again. “Have a cup of tea.”

Once again the item in question simply appeared before them, delicious smelling tea pouring into a cup. Ford wondered if this was something only Bill could do or if he had the same kind of control in whatever odd place they had ended up in.

Bill sat down in front of him and moved one of his chess pieces before taking a sip of his own tea. He couldn't close his mouth though so about half of it simply flowed out again, dripping past Bill's yellowed and rotting teeth onto his shirt. Somehow, Bill didn't seem to mind this. Ford decided he wasn't really in the mood for tea today.

They got through a few turns of chess, Ford trying to figure out a strategy for winning to somehow stop thinking about Bill's physical appearance. _You know that judging people based on things like this is wrong,_ he told himself yet again. _Sure, he looks unusual, but you two are alike!_

Finally, it was Bill who broke the silence.

“Do you know where we are? This is the mindscape! We're inside your head right now, Sixer!”

Ford startled upon hearing his childhood nickname, nearly dropping his glowy chess piece. His mind immediately procured a picture of Stanley. It then transformed the picture into that of Bill, eventually leaving him with an image of Stanley without a neck or ears and with sickly yellow sclera and an unshapely triangular body. Well, there was something he would like to unsee. Or...un-imagine. It didn't really matter, either way Bill-ley was going to haunt his nightmares.

It took him a moment to get past the nickname long enough to process the rest of Bill's words. Huh. The mindscape.

“And I came here for a reason! You see, I'm a muse!” Bill explained.

“I don't think this is what the greeks had in mind,” Ford muttered, too quietly to hear (especially without ears??) he thought but no.

“This is exactly what the greeks had in mind!” Bill straightened his bowtie, and kicked Ford's queen off the board with his pawn. Wow, how had that happened? He was just way too distracted to be any good at playing right now.

“I am a muse. Once every century, I choose a brilliant mind to inspire! I have inspired many in the past. Like...uhm...who was the guy you have a picture of next to your bed again? Tesla? Right, I inspired Tesla!”

“How do you know what picture I have next to my bed?”

“We're in your mind, smart guy! And this century, I have chosen you! Yes, you're the most brilliant one yet! I have never met someone with such promise!” He pulled open his left eye so he could wink at him. Ford felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes and quickly wiped them away. _Wow, Ford, crying because of how ugly someone is. Good job. Wait, what was that about promise?_

“With my help, your exceptional mind will let you do incredible things! You are so close to discovering answers to the biggest mysteries of the universe! Let me inspire you, like I have inspired many of the greatest minds in the world and your unique genius will let you rise above all the others! Whaddaya say?”

Bill moved his king out of the path of Ford's rook. Huh, he hadn't even noticed that he'd had Bill in check. Ford tried to quickly assess the situation. He moved one of his bishops and grinned.

“Checkmate!”

As he said this he looked up from the board again and had seemingly somehow forgotten what Bill looked like because the force of the other man's ugliness hit him like a train, metaphorically punching the grin off his face and bringing him to tears yet again. It was like being exposed to onions, except the stimuli was purely visual. _Wow, Ford_ , he thought. _Just wow._

Bill nodded and the flesh that was probably his neck stretched and scrunched up in a way Ford really wished it hadn't.

“So, then, Fordsy,” he said, holding out his hand for him to shake. “Do we have a deal?”

For just a moment, all of his regrets, all his frustrations about being unable to advance, all his questions about weremaids and eyebats and Steve the forest monster flashed through his mind, and the same question that had haunted him for years pressed into the forefront of his conscious: “What is The Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness?"

For just a moment, he felt ready to do just about anything for the answer.

Then he looked at Bill's misshapen hand dangling in front of his face, attached to a thin, noodle-y arm, attached to a fleshy mess of a body in a peanut-patterned dress shirt and finally to Bill's creepy, yellow eye with the slitted pupil staring at him as his other eye winked at him again.

He really tried to get over himself. Almost lifted his hand towards Bill's. But oh fuck, he couldn't keep pretending that Bill wasn't the worst thing his eyes had ever been forced to look at in almost 6 years in Gravity Falls and almost 30 years of life.

“I cannot touch that,” he said, eyes darting to Bill's hand.

“Work with me here, smart guy.”

“No, I really, I...I can't.”

“Are you serious? Just shake my hand. Let's make a deal and I will help you discover all the answers you have been-”

“Nah.”

“'Nah'? What do you mean, 'nah'?” Bill said. He wiggled his hand in front of Ford's face as a last desperate gesture. Ford watched him thoughtfully.

“No, I think I'm fine. Being in own mind has made me realize that there will always be more to discover in the world. I think I can discover this theory on my own, too. Also, you're gross. Seriously. I don't know what happened to you but wow.”

Bill finally retracted his hand, instead grabbing a cane from...somewhere and began muttering to himself.

“This is unbelievable. I look beautiful, better than any of these flesh puppets. What does a guy need to do to start the apocalypse around here...”

“Wait, what?”

“I can't even deal with this right now. I'm just gonna find some other idiot to help me. Bye, Sixer!”

Ford awoke the exact moment that Bill finished speaking. It felt somehow like an eternity ago that he had fallen asleep, yet here he was, under the same tree, surrounded by books and the chirping of birds. He lifted his hand in front of his eyes, looking at his six fingers.

Wow.


End file.
